A Commonwealth dictionary

If a Sovereign is a gold coin worth one pound sterling, then The Crown is something you put on your teeth when the rot has hollowed them out.


If Dominion is a deck-building card game rewarding long-term strategy and forward-planning, then Territories are the worst form of conservative government.


If a Citizen is an urban form of Buddhism, then Multilateralism is a state of many people shuffling their feet sideways at the same time.


If Republic is to revert from a situation of privacy, then Decolonisation is the act of emptying your bowels.


If God Save the Queen is a valid strategy to prevent point accumulation in a round of Hearts, then Jerusalem is two-parts cultural appropriation and one-part Dark Satanic Mills and Boon.


If Cricket is a stiff feeling in your neck due to impaired metabolism of vitamin D, phosphorus or calcium, then Received Pronunciation is wrong address return to sender.


If The Sun Never Sets On The British Empire is an excuse for a pint at noon then Partition is a nice way of saying hard Brexit.


If Dependencies are unhealthy fixations caused by traumatic childhood experiences, then The Queen is just a poor boy and needs no sympathy.


If World War II is an action-horror film with embedded commentary on international politics and climate change starring Brad Pitt, then Our Glorious Dead is an award-winning post-apocalyptic zombie drama by HBO celebrating survivalism.


If Empire is an award-winning musical drama centering on a fictional hip-hop music and entertainment company, then the Monarch is a butterfly native only to North America, an endangered species constantly forced into northward migration due to the unyielding tide of global warming.

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